Grief and Celebration
by Dee31
Summary: OneShot: It was a tough time in Gabriella’s life, having lost someone so important. As she gazed out at the ocean, the feelings of absolute loneliness filled her. Will she hear the lesson he meant to teach her or surrender to the grief?


_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or places created by the High School Musical franchise or by Disney!_

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I stared out across the vast ocean, watching as waves after waves came to shore. My brown eyes focused on a particular rock formation sticking out, away from the shore, and how the waves continued to crash up against it, having little effect other than getting it wet. It was like its own little island, sturdy enough to stand on its own, with no help, against the harsh elements of nature. I watched as seagulls landed on it only to fly away when the next big wave came and threatened to soak them through their feathers, leaving the rock once again alone in the rocky waters.

'Alone, that's exactly how I feel,' I thought to myself as I forced myself to take in a deep breath between the quiet sobs I had lost control of a whole hour ago when I left the burial.

_My ears absently heard the words the priest was saying while my mind registered bits and pieces but it was my eyes that were tuned in to my surroundings as I continued to stare at the glossy brown casket where it was set, posed to be lowered any minute now. I felt myself tear up but continued to push it back, not wanting to cry, not wanting to acknowledge that this was actually happening, that I would never be able to see him again. Suddenly there was a comforting hand on my right shoulder, someone sensing my inner turmoil, but I couldn't bear to tear my gaze away to give them a look of gratitude. I only had eyes for him, for the last time I would see him on this planet, even if the gaze was broken by pieces of wood and paint and whatever else made the casket, his final resting place. _

_Just seventy-seven minutes ago, moments before his casket was closed, I had seen him truly for the last time, his eyelids closed, hiding away the beauty of his blue eyes that no longer sparkled with the life that used to live in them. The entire gang was there, to say a final, private good-bye to the man who had touched all of our lives so deeply. Waiting to be one of the last, I approached his side slowly, swallowing hard as I neared, barely able to contain my tears then too as I saw how much paler he had become, despite the light makeup the mortician had applied to his face to make it seem more lively. I reached out my hand and placed it lightly on his hands that were laid over his still chest, praying for some miracle that it would move but it didn't. Instead, I felt myself tremble at the icy coldness of his skin, fighting the urge to take my hand away from the fear of truly accepting reality, that he was gone. Instead, I leaned over and gently kissed his forehead, brushing back some of his now dark brown hair that lacked the luster it used to have, even when he first dyed it this color only months ago when he spotted his first white hair._

_Quietly, I pulled back and reached into my purse, pulling out my own addition to add to the small pile already there for him to take with him into the next realm. I stared down at the picture of the two of us, our arms wrapped around each other, grinning like fools at the camera, taken just the summer before on a beach here in California. Carefully I slipped it under his suit jacket, on his left side so the picture would rest above his motionless heart, knowing that was the place he would have wanted it. _

_After blinking back some more tears, careful not to let one slip past my eyes, I focused back on the closed casket now in front of me. I watched as the muted sound around me continued but saw his sister sobbing into the chest of her husband before she walked forward, his hand tightly wrapped in hers, as she dropped a white rose onto the casket following her parents who each had the deepest look of heartache etched on their older faces. The people closest to him took turns to drop a white or red rose on his casket, their final salute to the man who had meant so much, yet so many different things, to all of us. When it looked like the last person was done, I felt that comforting touch again urging me forward and I followed its direction, knowing I'd regret it later if I didn't bring myself to do this, to pay one last respect to the man who had been there for me through everything. _

_I gently kissed the yellow rose in my hand before I laid it down with the rest, knowing that it was a different color than all the other long stemmed roses but I somehow found it fitting since our relationship was so different from everyone else's. As I stepped back to where I previously stood, I felt the tunnel vision come back in a rush, blacking out everything else, all other feelings and sounds, allowing me to zone in again on the casket it as it began to slowly be lowered into the cold ground, nature welcoming his body into her eternal embrace. Before I knew what was happening, I felt my body rip apart with sudden trembles as sobs came bubbling up, not giving me a chance to catch my breath before they started. Suddenly I felt eyes staring at me and the firm pressure of the hands back again, this time on each side of my waist as I felt my body being turned away from the site of the casket being still lowered. I kept my head turned, watching through my tears until the casket was gone from my site, although I knew it was still making its decent as evidenced by the whirling sounds of the gears of the machine that made sure the casket made it safely to the bottom of the hole that had been prepared for him. Shortly after, I found myself staring instead at his tombstone which read loving words under his name and the years of his life. 'Three days short of his thirty-fifth birthday…'_

_As the sobs got worse, I knew I just had to get away, the reality of me permanently losing that sweet smile and twinkling blue eyes from my life for good was too much to handle. I broke away from the embrace that currently held me and ran for the car, jumping in and driving away without a word to anyone, just needing to get away._

'It was as if the car knew I just had to be here,' I reflected now as I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my chin on them while I wrapped my arms around my legs. I looked down from the cliff I was currently sitting on and spotted our log, the place we would sit for hours down on the beach to just talk and enjoy nature's gifts to the world. 'We really did spend quite a bit of time here together, seeking this refuge when life got too hectic and also when we truly felt blessed.'

_We sat down on our favorite log after a nice leisurely Sunday brunch, as was our routine on the weekends when we both were in town. The beach we had found back when we were in college was one that wasn't frequented much by others because of the hike down an unpaved, __steep trail but we were grateful as it kept this special place mostly reserved to just us, with the occasional other people who sought quiet and solitude there on the sandy shore surrounded by cliffs. _

_As was custom, the first few moments were shared in silence as he wrapped a loving arm around my back, letting me drop my head onto his shoulder as I allowed the beauty of nature and the sounds of the waves pull away my stress from the previous week with the receding waves. We began to talk to each other, catching each other up on what we may have missed in the past week, always wanting to the other to know what great things had happened in our life as well as share in the not so good things that happened as well. It had always been this way, us being this close, ever since we were five years old and became instant best friends when I made him laugh out on the playground immediately after his sister made him cry, leaving him behind as she went to play with her friends._

_After an hour or so of talking, I saw a serious look cross his face as his blue eyes darkened a little with his change in mood. "What is it?" I asked, desperately wanting to know what was going on in his head._

_"Gabriella, I have something to ask you," he stated, putting his hand in his pocket to pull out a little black box. I gasped as he opened the box and revealed the special ring shining with the sun's light bouncing off the gold metal._

_"Oh my God…"I replied, a tear rolling down my cheek._

I felt myself choke again as I thought about that memory in particular, being one of the most precious I had with him out on this beach of ours. Furiously I wiped away my tears, angry at myself that I was still crying, after all this time, knowing he wouldn't want this. 'He was always so cheerful and optimistic, he'd hate that you are crying like this Gabriella.'

In honor of who he truly was, I forced myself to focus again on another happy memory, the day he landed his big job.

_"Gabriella! Gabriella, where are you?" he called out, his voice full of excitement as I stepped out into the hall of the apartment we shared. "There you are!"_

_"What is it?" I asked, almost sure I knew what it was by the look on his face, the happiness that literally radiated off of him in waves._

_He grinned back at me, completely unaware he wasn't talking for a moment, before he announced, "I got the job! They just called me and my agent and I are signing the contracts tomorrow! This is it! This is my big break! This is what I moved out to L.A. for and why I dragged you along!"_

_I heard a scream of excitement echo throughout the apartment and later realized that had been me just before I launched myself into his arms, hugging him tight. "That is so amazing! I am so proud of you hun, I really am!"_

_"I know and I am damn lucky you are here to share this with me. Thank you so much for believing in me when no one else would. You were the absolute first person I had to tell! Now I can call my twin and brag, just kidding! But I do need to call my parents!" he exclaimed, finally putting me back down on my feet._

_"They'll be so far gone with pride hun, really," I returned, knowing that his parents would be so happy for him for accomplishing his dream finally, after a few years of moving to and then struggling here in California, fighting the urge to give up and return to Albuquerque, New Mexico._

_I watched as he grabbed his cell phone and rushed off to his bedroom and closed the door in an attempt to probably muffle his screams. Moments later I heard his yelling and screaming from exhilaration again and felt the biggest grin spread across my face out of pure happiness for my best friend. _

"God, how we did go all out that night too hun," I murmured out loud, picturing him clearly in my mind. "The big expensive dinner and the rounds of drinks of only the finest alcohol at the bars later. We had a wonderful night and to be honest, I don't think you ever came down from that night."

I heard a rustling of leaves and turned my head as I sniffled again to see a blonde haired man now leaning up against a tree nearby. "Talking to him huh?"

"Remembering the good times we shared here is all," I replied, my voice soft even to my own ears. "I've realized to do him any sort of justice, I just need to celebrate his life and all the positive moments, not the bad."

"I remember when he introduced me to you," the blonde replied. "All he could talk about was you and when I finally did meet you, hearing the pride in his voice as he talked a little about you, I realized that you were something special, that what you two shared is even more special. This must be hard for you."

I nodded my head, moving my gaze from him to the ocean again. "It is. I thought I would have been able to hold myself together more but I just, I couldn't do it, as hard as I tried. All those acting lessons and emotional control that he taught me over the years failed me today."

The blonde shook his head. "No they didn't because Gabriella, everyone there today expected you to cry, expected that you'd have one of the toughest times out of all of us. It's no secret you two shared what you do still. In fact, it was always hard to distinguish sometimes where he ended and you began."

"Maybe that's why I feel like a huge part of me died with him," I murmured, feeling another tear roll down my cheek unchecked. "Maybe that's why I feel like I've lost my other half, why I feel so freaking alone."

"Possibly but you have to remember, you aren't alone, and you still have so many people who care for you too, who care for both of you," he reminded me. "You will get through this. He would want you to be happy, to carry on his legacy."

"I know, and I want to, so badly, but it just hurts, so much Felix," I replied, turning my head again towards the blonde while I brushed aside a few more tears that managed to escape. "But you must be hurting too."

Felix Jones nodded his head. "I am but like you, I'm trying to focus on the good times, knowing he wouldn't want us to be crying over him. He made his dreams come true out here Gabriella, with you by his side, with me there too. I think he lived his life with no regrets."

I unwrapped my arms from around myself as I stood up and slowly approached him, instead wrapping my arms around him as I felt his arms do the same, sharing in an embrace only two people who experienced a shared deep loss could. Slowly I started to feel his body begin to shake, knowing that Felix too was finally letting go of his feelings, unable to withhold the tears now that it was just me and him, away from all the watching eyes.

After some time, we separated and sat back down on the ground where he had found me, spending time talking about our lost loved one and really forcing ourselves to think of the positive times, laughing even at the stupid things we remembered him doing, like sitting on his vegetable pizza when he had stood up to yell at one of us and sitting back down without looking, failing to remember that he had put his paper plate down on the couch in his annoyance. We laughed even harder at the last memory of him mocking his twin, nailing her mannerisms so well that had he had blonde hair again that was longer, I would have believed that it was really her.

It was some time later, after we had traded stories countless times, that I heard another familiar voice and felt a true grin on my face. "Ryan!"

Before I could get up, he flung himself into my arms and settled into my lap, his blue eyes staring back up at me, laughter spilling from his mouth as Felix tickled his sides. "Mommy!" he screamed, trying to get me to interfere between him and his torturer. I gave Felix a look and he immediately backed off but had a genuine smile on his face as he brushed back some of RJ's brown hair.

"Hey little guy," greeted Felix while RJ waved his little hand at him before burying his head into my neck.

"Hi Uncle Felix," replied my five-year old, still pressing his face into my neck as I held him in my arms. "Where's Uncle Ryan? I miss him."

My body tensed at the innocent words spoken by my child, who was named after the amazing man who had suddenly passed away not even a week ago when an undetected brain aneurysm burst. It was Felix who found the unconscious Ryan Evans in their shared apartment, our old shared apartment, in the suburbs of L.A. The memory of getting that call from a frantic Felix as he rushed to the hospital, following the ambulance that carried Ryan, was still fresh in my mind.

_I laughed softly as I tucked Ryan Jesse, or RJ as we lovingly called him since he was born, into bed early for the night, having convinced him with his father that if he went to bed early, he would be able to visit his favorite uncle first thing the next day, Sunday, bright and early for a big breakfast. Excited at the idea, RJ had quickly changed into his pajamas and crawled into bed without further arguments, making me grin even more in his evident love for Ryan. RJ even went as far as closing his eyes before I kissed him on his forehead before I watched him drift off to sleep from the doorway, a familiar hand on my hip as we watched together for a little while longer, smiles on both of our faces._

_We had just walked into our bedroom when my cell went off, starting a cry from the crib in our room. I quickly answered it with one hand as I picked tried to soothe Kira the best I could, focusing more on the person on the other end of the phone as she immediately quieted down and placed her head on my shoulder as I rocked back and forth. _

_"Gabriella, I'm following him right now, can you make it?" asked the frantic voice I recognized immediately as belonging to Felix. _

_"Whoa, Felix, hold on for a second," I replied. "What's going on?"_

_"It's Ryan. I found him passed out in our bathroom when I got home from work. I got worried because one of his costars called me about two hours ago to ask if I knew where he was because the director of that damned sitcom was beyond livid he wasn't there at all today. I tried all the phones but he didn't pick up so I rushed home from the event I was hosting and found him passed out. Please Gabriella, we need you, he needs you especially," said Felix, anxiousness in his voice._

_I felt my grip on Kira slip as I listened to these words, grateful that she was taken away from me even before Felix finished his explanation. "Of course I'll be there. I'm on my way right now." _

_After I got the details of which hospital they were going to, I quickly changed and explained the situation before I got into my car and raced to the hospital, where I stayed for three days with Felix, keeping vigil by Ryan's side, until he drew in and let out his last breath on this Earth._

When I came to, I realized that RJ was no longer in my arms and instead of Felix sitting next to me, another pair of blue eyes that had begun to mean the world to me over eight years ago met my gaze before he wrapped me securely in his embrace, letting me just cry into his strong shoulder. "Shh, it's going to be all right babe, it's going to be all right," soothed Troy Bolton, the man I had married over six years ago, with Ryan right by my side as my "Maid of Honor".

Unsure of how much time had truly passed, I pulled away from Troy after I was able to finally get a handle on my emotions and my tears, surprised somewhat that I still had so much to let go. I gave him a watery smile as he wiped away the rest of the tears on my cheeks before he placed a soft kiss on each cheek and then kissed me lightly on the lips. "Sorry," I whispered, now being able to fully look him in his concerned blue eyes.

He shook his head. "Don't be, I can't even begin to understand how you are feeling. My best friend is still on this planet dealing with Kira with his girlfriend's help back at the car. You've lost someone so dear to you, well, it's understandable for you to be this upset. I've been surprised you were so void of tears before now actually."

"Calling me weak Bolton?" I found myself teasing, my heart lightening in weight as I heard him chuckle while I heard my own small laugh too.

"Wouldn't dream of it Montez-Bolton. God it's good to hear you laugh again," he replied, squeezing me more with his arms now wrapped around my waist. "Do you remember that first blind double date Ryan set us up on?"

I rolled my eyes at the memory. "If only all of our blind dates could have been as smooth as they have been since Ryan got involved with Felix. That first one, man, I don't know if I could ever relive that."

"Hey, I think I'm hurt! If it wasn't for that blind double date, you and I would never have met Gabriella," protested Troy, a crooked smile on his face. "I for one think that I would relive that night a thousand times if it meant living that many more days with you and our little family."

"I think I would too, in all seriousness, but you have to admit that got pretty hilarious and embarrassing for poor Ryan. That was before Ryan was openly out and that girl, Autumn I think her name was, who Ryan totally chose last minute from some unknown black book from his past, was all over you when he had brought us all together so we could meet! I loved how you kept trying to avoid her advances but she kept crossing that line, despite all the hints Ryan was giving her, up until he smashed his lips against hers and she calmed down. I still remember how bright red he was with that blush on his face too immediately after," I recalled, laughing more at the memory.

"Oh yeah, the days I called him a ripe tomato after that only to be glared at by Ryan in return when I saw him at the gym. Gabriella, I know I didn't know him for nearly as long as you did, but Ryan meant a lot to everyone who knew him. I think my favorite thing I'll remember about him is how carefree he was, even when you knew he was stressed out the most. Ryan always put other people first and that often meant shelving his own issues and problems from the world," commented Troy, brushing back some of my hair that had fallen in front of my face. "At least to the rest of us. I think you and Felix are the only ones he showed that side to."

I nodded my head in agreement. "I was actually thinking about the time he asked me what I thought of the commitment ring he had bought for Felix two years ago. It was so lovingly picked, and so Felix-like and them together, that I even cried despite it having nothing to do with me, just them. We practiced his speech a lot of times after that. He was so worried but Felix swears to this day that Ryan delivered it flawlessly, being the perfectionist that Ryan was."

"And those are the memories to be cherished," replied Troy. "Come on, let's go to the Evans' reception they are having at their hotel in honor of Ryan. It'll help you celebrate his memory some more I think, with his family and the rest of the gang."

"Okay but can I have a few moments out here, alone, before we go?" I asked, knowing that he understood from the look on his face even before he nodded his head.

"Of course. I'll go and wait for you with Chad, Taylor, Felix and our two youngsters next to the cars. I love you Gabriella," murmured Troy before he kissed me on the lips and unwrapped himself from around me. I felt one last, firm kiss on my forehead before Troy got up and left, leaving me to truly find the closure I needed right now.

After a few beats, I turned my attention back on "our beach" before I focused again on the ocean and that solitary rock formation I had been staring at before. As I felt my throat tighten with more tears, I smiled this time as I was able to push them back once again, all with the mere thought that Ryan wouldn't want them. All of the memories he and I were blessed to share over the span of almost thirty years of being best friends were the best things for me to keep and treasure and focus on for the rest of my life.

'Those are the moments that make up Ryan's legacy, from his courage to come out to the general public that he was gay, to telling his family days before that despite me knowing for years before, to his forgiving heart that would constantly absolve Sharpay of her latest stunts or hateful words she spewed without thinking. Ryan was an inspiration when he fought to land his first acting job, a commercial for dog food, through his success with his movies and his latest successful sitcom, but more so for the heart and constant support he freely gave everyone without them having to ask, especially me,' I thought as I continued watching the waves. 'To keep Ryan alive, not only do I need to never forget my best friend but to also make sure a part of him, the parts that I cherished the most, become a part of me and who I am.'

I stood back up after some silent moments filled with heartfelt prayers for my dear best friend. Feeling a bit more adventurous, I walked towards the edge of the cliff, careful not to get too close, and extended my arms out to my side, feeling the light breeze wrap around me, pushing my hair back behind my shoulders as I closed my eyes against the wind. It was then, after all that time spent out here, that I felt him, that I felt Ryan's comfort as I allowed myself to feel open to this new sensation. I felt a few, final warm tears trickle down my cheek as the overwhelming sense that Ryan was happy and at peace filled my soul, making me realize that Ryan was still with me, not only in my memories but in my heart, where he would always be.

"I love you Ryan and because of that, I will go forward from this moment and only celebrate your life, and no longer grieve, as I know now that you are in a much better place and want me to carry out your legacy. I will miss you my dear best friend but know that you will be there in each laugh that your godson laughs and will be smiling down on all of us each time we gather together as friends do," I said to the open air, smiling as I felt the breeze on my skin one last time before I turned and started making my way back to the parked cars.

On the way, I realized that really, I wasn't as alone as I thought I was when I first sat down here in this spot and watched that lone rock formation interact with the waves, not really. I smiled as I saw Felix carrying RJ around his shoulders, both of them laughing, while Troy was occupied with Kira, blowing raspberries on her little stomach which caused her to giggle, Chad and Taylor watching both pairs with grins on their faces. It was that vision alone that made me realize that if nothing else, Ryan had taught me that life was precious and that I should live it out to the fullest, to live it out the way I want to live it with no one else to dictate how it should be run with the people I was lucky to have in my life. In his short existence in this realm, Ryan had taught me so many things but what would always live on as his legacy was how to love, to live, and to enjoy the many blessings in life. It was in this moment that I realized that grief and celebration go hand in hand in this journey we call life.


End file.
